It's an art being ourselves... like properly...
a hard art to master...
...in fact I think social skills should be taught throughout school and then into adult life – not just looking at what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ - but how to explore deeper emotions on varying scales and how to empathise with that through childhood and then deeper into adulthood as we seemingly slip into a journey further in before really breaking out…
Anyway as is ever I’ve gone on a mind walk before reaching my place of reflection… it’s very easy to seek a problem to fill your thought isn’t it– in fact it’s a common go to when you have ‘time’ – we waste time with worry and we waste space by filing it with the unnecessary and then we feel guilty for being happy when we think we have a list of worry impending for digestion
why is it so hard ‘just to be’ and by that I mean – just be in yourself… without you being a problem... sat watching your thoughts like watching the sky and being content in knowing that sometimes just watching the blueness of it all is more than enough to be fulfilled or ‘filled’
why we like to worry….? I’m sure there is many a thesis on such a thing and I often question myself as to what I exactly bring to the table here but I’d like to try.
I believe we worry because we’ve attuned ourselves into believing the complete worst of ourselves – I believe we have little understanding of what it means to be us anymore – where we end and where another begins... this complete lack of awareness and boundary setting means that we’re programmed more and more in an ever gloomy day and age to resonate with something feeling ‘off’ because it’s become the norm… so when something feels ‘good’ we poke it and pick at it because we don’t really understand what feeling good mentally feels like anymore…it’s almost alien and if we do we do we often end up questioning if we’re doing happy right…
I’ve battled it – we all have - the gloom - and I have pulled myself up and out (still going!!) I have ticks that send me flying back into the cave, really silly things you’d think - but to my heart these silly things have historically left me feeling earth shattered …that when I come to hearing a ghost tremor of its potential re arising I go to melt down mode before the shit has even come anywhere near hitting the fan.. let’s think of a power station leaking shall we, we have the emergency protocol, that is to evacuate and lock down the building, all out and the toxicity contained within… much like us and our bodies and even worse, our minds…
Don’t get me wrong we have our worries and some of these more than justified but I am talking about our ‘sillies’ – how to manage them and practise working with them so when the real worries rumble towards you like a hurtling stampede you can stand there and face in to them, bravely, feet on floor, rather than head in ground...
can you list your sillies? I can… I'd start with aiming to write 2 or 3 and you’ll hit a list of over 10 before you know it...it’s good to know what they are so when they start skipping towards you, you can catch them coming
So I have a check list – for my mind these days…and I call in my intuition to help me catch a silly before it drops a really bad asse bomb
I’m an intuitive – it’s how I make a living – so you’d think me lucky for having such an art, but what comes with such a responsibility is the complete lack of textbook development – I’ve had to really be my own teacher when it comes to my settings... but I have a basic list of go to even before meditation
If I am giving you a really quick hit in intuitive feeling I would say it’s this
Your gut, your intuition – when its spot on – it’s rock solid... there’s no budging it – it holds tight like a muscle contracting – it’s like adrenalin has forced to that centre point holding you in an invisible strength. I’ll give you an example - having been in an emotionally abusive relationship where I was bullied into a corner without realising over a prolonged period of time, when I’d lost all confidence in everything that was me, when I lost faith in my complete self that is when I rose into my biggest learning, in the darks of despair is where we most often find our magic – I knew something was really off and it wasn’t a worry or a niggle it felt different – As I stood strong, in confronting my ‘demon’ in a completely unexpected moment the intuition knot bound within me and the words rose within me, fell through me even – my mind was clear and I landed my point and the truth in perfect clarity.. the reaction to the other party on receipt... that was how I really knew I’d struck gold. My intuition was powerful, true, softly spoken... and as I used it adrenalin coursed through me… it felt good and it felt right. it was causing no damage – it was setting me free.
When I worry – I call it ghosting, it’s like a carousel on the ghost train – a trigger starts the carriage in motion and more and more ghosts fly into my mind until I am drowned out... that is not intuition – that is your ego going into self-preservation – she’s looking for the fight or flight button... and she knows every trap door to open to spook you into hitting that STOP and SHUT down alarm
So what to do to separate out the silly... well it sounds obvious. but I always start with a breath a beast of a breath... just to chill my central nervous system down before she has to get up and go to work on me and then I ask – does it feel off or does it feel strong? I do this on repeat as I just settle with it, as I let it and then I ask... is it a memory or is it clarity? and if a ghost comes up I catch it and I say ‘I cancel that thought’ and I replace it with something sunnier – a non-attachment and I repeat and I repeat and this can take minutes now to feel better and it can be a daily battle or a weekly one…but I am up for the fight, I am up for the change cause there is no quick fix here in unlearning, it just gets easier with time… accepting that is a win in itself…
and then I take to fulfilling ... tending to the space the worry has left rather than looking for another non-issue to pad it out with and that can take form in lots of ways... writing lists, lists of things I am grateful for... I take pictures of life and allow myself to be really present, I meditate to allow my mind to play without it being right or wrong, I exercise, I do nothing, I do, well I do me... I do everything that allows me to come back to me (or to self as you’ve probably heard it called)…and I allow it to happen gently, no pressure... I fight the ghosts and I tend to my garden... to flourish, till I am feeling rock steady at my core where I know I am safe, where I know I am not wrong, where I have no space for the silly and its toxicity to feed.
With the love,
There is in darkness in light...
Some might call it shade, others might call it a nightmare, others a challenge – I call it me.. we are all our own shadow, we form our own shadow quite literally by the way in which we consciously or sub consciously stand in the sun…
...some use that to hide behind, some of us use it to create shadow puppets and play, some abuse it… some of us drown in it .. we are all different - yes, but we are also all peter pan (go with me...) in that we’re all that kid forever growing up – and with that we can all detach from our shadow to some extent – step aside from it and learn from it OR we can soak it all in and let it swallow us all up...I’ve done both and I can tell you that the first option is by far the absolute hardest – but once you've broken he back of it, it’s undeniably the most rewarding.
I could write you a long list of my 'lifetime failings' and I guess we all could - and in part I actually thinks it’s pretty healthy – this innate ability to ‘size yourself up’ - and I’m not going to go wildly happy hippie on you here (but believe me I really could) – I am in part peace love and light and I’m also touched on occasion with the ‘oh just f*ck it’ 'f*ck you' and 'f*ck my tired worn mind' vibe – but it is changeable – we can refocus it, it is HARD but I refuse (now) to be owned or kept back after school by emotional habits formed from places long gone in time, with people in time that have also long gone…
So why do we blind and bind ourselves to the past? I think in part it's because we can see it, you know cause it’s been? its an actual, a tangible - and we struggle to strive for the invisible because we can't 'see it' or grasp it as a thing most literally – but we should… no race ever run was ever really won till it was run - some fall, some fly, some have a false start, some have this, some have that…. but at least it all kicked in with a some or someone starting.. so why not? why not even start?
See I, amongst many things on my list, used to be ‘chubby’ and then as I ate that up, as I - in every way - swallowed and covered myself up - I felt really ugly, to my core and that in turn become my core belief and it became my everything.. my wallowing hole, my 'I can't' for every single thing...like a bad friend really, I created an invisible bad friend and I was so scared to let her go because she became so there, so comfortable, so familiar, so bloody loud – and why? I guess because that might just mean I might win and really perhaps as I write this now - that’s what might actually be what scared me the most...
Back we go... I saw myself as 'that' even when 'I', on scales was physically not.. but I used it, as a defence mechanism, I back pocketed it ‘ahh I can’t wear that or do that because of my weight’, ‘I’m not liked or seen because of HOW I look’ – and so it became, I stood in my shadow and I didn’t see myself - so how could anyone else see me? when I was protecting myself in ‘my dark’ - that wasn’t their fault was it – it was mine…does that sound familiar? ...
....I am sure I’m not telling you anything you don’t really already know – you could swap the letters out my sentence and formulate a 100 of your own pains and shadows…right? So if that is the case, and you can ‘create 100’s of your own’ - why not sit and reflect and respond to each word of pain with a love letter and one to yourself.. why not recognise that that chubby girl or boy you were once (or whatever the tick), will forever be a part of you, but what did she/he teach you? your ‘demon’ – well mine taught me to sit and to watch and to approach when I sensed to, to look beyond the skin and to wait and watch who comes to you, who gives you the time rather than stands desperately trying to find the spotlight and in turn stands frozen ridged being blinded by every bloody single minute – stood in their own pain, their own fear..
..NOW...where's that how too?.. oh HELLO...here it is...
I’ve actually been called ugly to my face, like a punch in the gut it was - because it was a blow I've provided myself for so long with - hearing it from without only deepened the impact... and maybe it happened because what you think you attract (maybes… maybes..) – but most likely the boy that said it was showing off and masking some of his own pain behind being a complete clown… and that’s cool, I’ve made peace with the fact that he was suffering too, maybe more so – the difference between us? I was graceful (eventually) and I chose not to swallow it publicly or wear it for a life time – so yeah, it hurt (f**cking hurt - embarrassment and shame does – that’s the art of being human) but I decided to cry it out (and maybe sometimes when I cry I still do), to not wear it as an unhealed scar, to not to scratch it every time I felt ‘low’, that I had ‘a bad day’ that I ate my weight in what I ‘wanted’ (YES CHOICES, hooray for the power of them!) – so I washed it through, I sought to unlearn it, to change it and move it out (and over time – remember it took me a long time to truly grasp the art of ‘happy’ and I’m still playing with what that looks and feels like now to me, I think we forever will and do ) ...I made peace with it, cause I don’t really believe at 18 he knew that he was chipping at a very raw nerve and I at 18 had any idea of who I really was and that my misperception, my weight, my fear never really ever defined me.
I could go on with the examples - I could also match that list with double the examples of really quite wonderful, beautiful moments in my life - sunshine that I've too learn't from - but that's not today's tale is it... today's tale it to remember that we hold the power - we hold the crayon and we sketch out own shadows. So with that we can begin to colour it so happy it blinds you and bathes you and we can slowly also smudge it and rub it till it becomes soft and then perhaps we can completely rub the bloody thing out or throw it out and start again - because starting over, letting go.. it doesn't have to be as almighty as we fear it might be - it can be incredible soothing once we've deeply uprooted the cause and choose to live in peace rather than just try to rest in it.
With all the love
Peter Pan (M) x
Sometimes, just sometimes I feel utterly ‘useless’ – *CUE HIGH DRAMA* just playing... but seriously though, this is pretty good going actually as more often than not throughout my life I’ve felt perpetually useless. Now it just flows through every now and then and I’ve learnt just to brush fingers with it, say ‘oh hey’ - rather than hold its hand and go for a jolly jaunt with it through Covent Garden.. ruining my every day sight seeing
SO what is useless - it’s a pretty big word isn’t it – loaded with a meaty blow – go on say it out loud I AM USELESS – boom and feel how that vibrates through your psyche – rotters isn’t it? Like you’re picking up an emotional chess piece and lifting it back three places, undoing a REALLY GOOD game you’ve been playing to date…
I know and I have met some INCREDIBLE human beings through every shade of my work and every step of life – but it becomes more apparent just how cloaking that word is… that shame is - when people step into session with me and from then on I started to really much more violently witness it even more in every waking day...
Now not to name names – but I have a friend (yep I have a few actually, go me) – she’s an amazing friend she’s an incredible brain she has a huge heart – and she has everything to show for it, she is eternally grateful, she counts her blessings and she gives and gives and gives and most often than not forgets to give to herself…(sound familiar?) and then every now and then I’ll throw her a compliment (cause I believe that when you see that good in some one, that shine - you say it and you polish it – cause what honest harm can that do, really, we don’t do ENOUGH of that as a collective) and she’ll meet me back, not with a strong thanks but with a ‘yeah but I feel I am an awful mum at the moment’ and physically I see her whole body shake down as the weight of her magic that held her so strong, so up right departs her and her whole everything sinks below the surface.. now let’s be clear she is not an awful mum, far from it – she is an INCREDIBLE MUM – actually she’s just incredible and when I have kids I hope I can achieve all that she achieves, spinning all those plates whilst throwing out all that love and growing a beyond beautiful family… that is her super power…so why does she defame it?
*notes to reader – it’s at this stage I took a ‘small' break from writing this, busying myself with some other non importants - as the talk of being useless led me to slip into an old spiral – which led to a small conversation of mind - in which I deemed that I perhaps wasn’t a good enough knower of the useless and so I perhaps would not do uselessness the justice it deserve – WHAT THE..?! Hands up if you know this similar sort of a pattern beyond the current subject matter? This is a LOL moment isn’t it? Go on then #LOL
BACK TO IT –why we do what we do.. why we brand ourselves so victoriously in pain... see I could pin my own time on the useless wagon right back to school (how the hell was that over 20 years ago..), or to a job, or to a drunken night, to a failed relationship, to my weight to, to the fact I think i have one wonky eye, or to.. well yes to anything… but truth be told, whether we like to admit it or not, we need to locate this bad boy pin right where it grew from, rather than where we have sequentially stuck it and yep that’s right.,. it’s me, it’s you... it’s I! OH HEYYYY!
Now we’ve reconnected... let’s move forward….
‘yeah but..’… ‘yeah but..’ I hear that A LOT... In session mainly – ‘yeah but they..’ or ‘yeah but he/she..’ and as those of you who have blessed me with your presence in my sessions (and thereafter) will know, my response has grown to remain the same and perhaps feels somewhat harsh, but lovingly from me to you…YEAH BUT …NOTHING. The likelihood of the matter is if someone is trying to make you feel anything less than lovely its because of something reflected in them and you honestly have NO time for that.. that’s on them, just like this.. yes, this is on you
You literally are epic as you are… it’s true it is that simple... and it genuinely breaks my heart to see such wonder in every single person (yep there is the good in the bad and the bad in the good) only to realise the illusion of their reality - in that they just don’t know it themselves - and what’s worse they battle me and refuse to see it...But this is the good news… yes, really! Caues this is you, all you, your choice... to show up and embrace your actual shine or to drop it on the floor and to jump all over it and then try and pass it off to someone else to carry.
Now I know we’ve a lot more undoing to do than just that and in some cases more extreme than others for sure – but seeing the source in plain light, admitting the truth that you’ve become addicted to the self-shaming and then gone and played a lifelong game of hide and seek from the true source of the viscous rumour…its liberating, its f*cking painful sure - but it’s all the more uplifting once you recognise that you not only control the pain – you control sending it the sodding hell off… and NO it is not easy and YES once it’s loosened it doesn’t just mean its completely undone – cause were would be the life and learning in that? J We have got to continue throughout life to undo the undoing and consciously and in supporting others to do the same…
So this is why I do what I do... because it is do-able and I’ve done it and I’ve seen 100’s of people over my 11 years of doing this doing break one habit epically only to land onto another much more painfully – but do you know what they get up and they go on and they run and then they run back to it - because you have to accept that we got to keep going, lifting the veil and when we’ve got one up and over, yep that’s right .. there will be another one to lift - and then another and another and that’s life isn’t it…
Cause when you feel physically sick – you go to the doctor, right? – cause feeling off like this is just no good is it?
When you get a piercing and it aggravates - you treat the infection or you remove the ‘jewel’ before your ear falls off, right? because feeling like this is just no good is it?
And so if you feel like you’re just having an existence filled with self-sabotage and a daily dulling of shine – you have to choose to address the cause and live a full life right? Cause feeling like this is just no good…is it?
I’m not going to lie – when I got on the plane today, I wanted to sleep and/or watch a film – anything but write, actually I am avoiding writing today in this capacity – not too sure why – I woke up thinking about it, feeling about it - writing that is – heart leapt out of bed at 7am at the thought of it – ego had other plans – it felt the tears coming you see…
Now I can write after meditation, chapter and verse – easy – that flows – but this, this is different – this is a different type of meditation for me – more of a cathartic commitment and it usually means its pulling up from the depths of me something I’m fearful of knowing or readdressing- most likely a lie I taught myself to ‘keep me safe’ that I’m going to have to share with you here and I’m embarrassed by it or I’m not ready for a public reaction on– so go easy on me whatever these words turn into wont you. *BIG SMILY FACE*
So where to today kind Sir– when I write, I hand on heart don’t have a theme or a title – I just tend to splurge, from the heart on to the page – which is why writing has shone such a light in my life when it’s felt a tad cold and empty – but only ‘cause I put myself there.
I used to really struggle with the amount of stuff in my head, coupled with the delirium that came from the over whelming sense of empathy I have with the world and everyone in it – I could honestly say, I felt I would at times I would implode, like something out of a wonderful Roald Dahl book – because I used to believe I was rubbish - one of the bad guys, you know? – I think that’s a crippling fear for us all isn’t it? How we’re met in the world and how the world meets us? So we exhaust ourselves trying to camouflage from it
You see I have been my biggest abuser and now I am attempting to become my biggest lover. Hell to the YES – its just got to be done.
How did I hit that mission? Cause it’s a big one isn’t it… one we’re all trying to one part under take and one part avoid…
For me I hit an age… yes this is a COMING OF AGE STORY… WOO HOO…. Always wanted to write one of those so I did…
Back to the plot then – you can give, give and give and then you can give some more and then some and then you can run from life and hide yourself and waste a shit load of energy being anxious about even taking a breathe and it becomes so habitual you don’t even see it anymore and then, yes THEN you hit 30 like I did and life says HOLD ON ONE FUNKING MINUITE – you’re missing a trick here Em..
Me: Am I? Like what?
Life: Well, like you?
Me: Me? Na, I’m cool?
Are you? Are you really’… life probes… that knowing look on its face... ANNOYING!!!
Was I? Probably not – actually who am I trying to kid – no, no I wasn’t, not completely – I spent forever hiding behind a veil of what I worried everyone felt about me – I hid and I hid – I have been completely embarrassed for most of my life about the person I am or thought I was – I’d worry that I am one of the bad guys, I’d find a ‘good guy’ to compare myself to and then I’d worry myself into self disappointment and loathing and when ever I hit a high, I’d crumble into the thinking that I’m a FREAK, that I am never going to ‘fit in’ because I didn’t deserve to and I’d worry that I am never going to be accepted exactly as I am…. Hello pain, goodbye joy – ha, what a joke and what a complete WASTE of life…
So what to do, cause this feels like a big old awkward mess to clean up doesn’t it? And there’s no fluffy washing up gloves for this type of thing – this is cilit bang sort of a job… and so? Well I climbed into the boxing ring with myself, and we went round upon round - until my faith grew stronger and sucka punched my ego and its self- righteous anxiety right into the ropes J
So lets dance back a little if you’ve time… I’ve packaged and repackaged the wondrous gift that it is to be me till I diluted it right back to some one who was living their life as though they were part of the witness protection programme… I’ve avoided the question ‘how are you?’ like James Bond dodges a bullet – and why? Cause for me in time gone by - I would think you weren’t really that bothered and why is that? Because I wasn’t…
So let’s cut to the chase and the brutal question – am I bad person. No? But, I have lived most my life considering that I might be and so with that, I healed to ‘a level’ - a comfortable level of self…- but life won’t just let you go that deep will it, cause that’s too shallow for life and really what would be the point? Especially not doing the work I am doing, then I’d really be a phoney wouldn’t I?
How I see it now…
Why would you dig a well deep when sitting within you is a cave of gold? You’ll convince yourself there’s not much point digging much deeper because -
What if when we dig – all there is is a sewer of mess and skeletons and unsalvageable mess?
But (you know by now how much I love a but), BUT what If I told you 32 years in, with a very full CV of self and self exploration, life trials, pain, joy and love that it really is more worth it – more than you’ll ever know till you have a go? Hold on to that thought for a mo. whilst we continue the interrogation.
Next question – have I done ‘bad things’?
I’ve come to realise this is all in the definition – and my definition used to be harsh, so having stripped it ALL BACK my now answer would be NO - no, I have never killed anyone, I’ve never stolen anything that would see me serving time (if you know me well all I need say is ladies , mixology kits and street signs in my youth, if you don’t know me just ask…) have I hurt people? Physically, never… unintentionally, yes of course, we all have and have I been hurt? More than you’ll ever know – but mainly because I invested in it… so with all that in mind - do I deserve a painful life? No. OK then so that’s that – I’ve lied to myself most of my life.. Good one Knowles… so how do we refocus that then?
I am really proud of all my clients – they all work really hard to embrace change and it’s not easy – some have gone to hell and back and now I see them flying and I love that… I really do… you (and you know who you are) you inspire me to dig that bit deeper – for every time you push yourself that little but further beyond your comfort zone, you learn something new about yourself…and so in turn do I, so thank you - it’s like getting the level up star in Super Mario – its kick arse…
So back to 30 – the year that was, I went all in, in to myself… literally, You may think that is really selfish – but do you know what it’s the most amazing thing I ever did, and not just for me…for every life I’ve had the pleasure to touch thereafter and in what ever way that so be… because I didn’t know who I was before – I hadn’t properly invested in that, in me... I had been working in healing for 9 years at this time… and I had lost sight of where I started and where everyone else ended – a big blurry mess… I was spending time pleasing people rather than pleasing myself - and when done in the right sprit - I have come to see that pleasing yourself actually pleases everyone else much, much more. Try it! Please, I will sponsor you too J
You don’t need to go about this the way life took me. It’s whatever suits really – I’ve spent a lot of time in life on my own, when I invest in people I really invest - I’ve had two boyfriends the last being 5 years ago – so I am not the kind of person that requires to hide behind warm bodies.. I’m also far too tall and at times loud for that, but I do mask myself in another way... she’s much more tricksy you see, so I had to coax her out, l had to set the trap and catch myself…force that investment on to myself so I could give more to others..
So I made a big decision – I woke up one morning and committed to meditating everyday (yep it was that simple –I’ve only missed one day since and YES that’s ‘allowed’) and what followed very quickly was a decision to stop drinking and going ‘out out’ completely for a year – I never had a problem with it - I am still to date, I hope a fun drunk.. But I just needed some space from life and that London culture we have been led to believe is bar and pub heavy.. and that also comes with a load of very ‘up’ people’ crashing simultaneously into an almighty low in turn 11pm like a huge tsunami wave… when we relax and we allow ourselves to really flow its no bad thing... but that flow, can be emotional and exhausting.. and so I wanted to find that in a different environment, in REAL LIFE… and it’s saved my life. I sh*t you not. I have never felt stronger – I have witnessed myself in life, in people, in moments like I’ve never seen before- because I was out of focus – I was squinting and now I am wide eyed, bushy tailed and all in – I have time to not only listen but to digest – I know when I want to stay out, when I want to go home and I have big dreams which once upon a time felt so very far away and now I am holding them in my hands… you see I didn’t sacrifice myself to get there. I saved myself to do so and yes, yes you can too – you probably already are, so turn to see it, make that time for you and give yourself an almighty pat on the back, it’s never easy, what would be the point in that – but it’ll be well bloody worth it and the story will be well worth the tale to tell.
As I write here today I am sat in the midst of the Hollywood Hills, sunshine state of California – its heaven – I am staying in heaven, actual heaven and my friends and clients across every piece of the pond have been so generous and supportive in getting me here. So a huge thank you to you from the get go – you all know who you are and the piece you played.
But what I’d like to talk to today – what I’ve found in being here is the healing that I’ve been overlooking at the start, at self – and silence is proving a great teacher within this process. Silence is – not always soft and gentle and meditative – she can be over bearingly loud and she can make your brain scream for her to shut up. I guess that’s why we feel the need to pack our day with more and more noise – that need to connect is so apparent – but sadly not in its truest form – not with people but to them and to the ‘things’ we work tirelessly to ‘own’. That need to connect has caused us to tether – tether to unrealistic, unnatural unsavoury harbours. Cling with every breathe in our body to the pier - when our boat, our every being wants to explore and EXPERIENCE life and even when we’re in that experience, in that beauty – stood nose to nose up close to life as picture perfect – our mind and our ego? well she/he – they’ll always try and shore us up, tether us back to where we feel comfortable, safe in the fear or our lack of greatness – where we think we belong – because we’re so scared that if we actually switched on and stepped fully into ourselves, properly looked at life through our own eyes that we may fail at it - that someone is going to walk into this perfect shot and say ‘uh excuse me – you have no right to be here’ but you do.
So what do I tether to? I tether way back in the shadows to the fact I am ultimately useless, no good and will never make a place for myself in the world – that other people are more rightly deserving and that I should help lift them up at the expense often of myself – now don’t get me wrong I was born to help and I LOVE helping others – it’s what I am meant to do – it’s what I am doing, this is coming from a place way before any of my work came anywhere near the table. What I’m trying to get to is that I (like you) can only avoid myself for so long. I was a chubby teen – I felt so uncomfortable in my skin and all I wanted to do was be my sister. I tethered to it. She was the great one – I would take mediocrity without a second thought. So its here I must make an admission – how did I get to that – how did I tether to this? How did I conclude that everyone else was much more important than me? Ok here goes; I am in fact terrified of myself. Who I am, what I do - There I said it… now it’s your turn ;)
When I was 11 years old my grandfather ‘visited me’ and told me that he killed my grandmother (cue high drama!)– Now I’ve never met my grandparents and we never spoke of them, I’ve had invisible friends since I can remember and I still do now… so when I approached my mum and told her with excitement the news that I’d just received I was somewhat shocked that she didn’t embrace this revelation with such excitement – well of course she didn’t – here is an awkward, 11 year old looking her in the eyes and telling her some painful truths that she spent 20 years plus trying to bury. I had no right to waltz in there and break her heart like I did that day – pull up the pain in such an un-responsible fashion – who the hell am I to do that? Excitement faded – fear kicked in. Especially after my mum told me explicitly that ‘this was just not true’ – now I am a scientist – so I question everything, especially myself. The chatter in my head? Well I self diagnosed that I must be mad and life got pretty dark and cold from there on in and for some time - this was a heavy place for someone of that age to go to – to question and question and bury and bury and bury…. I know it was a blessing, perhaps the biggest one I’ve ever had. So getting back to it, that point I’m trying to stumble to - rather than finding myself – I started looking and creating someone else to be in the cold light of day. I decided there and then to switch it off, turn myself off – turn off that voice (as best I could), turn off that wonderful feeling - because the last thing I wanted to be was different and weird like the kids at school so often said I was… so I tethered to ‘normality’ – and my role model for that – the girl who I naively back then thought had everything – my sister.
My untethering from ‘normality’ has been an 11 year process in itself - it transpired some years later that my grandfather Eric, a wonderful man (I know you’ll believe me when I tell you this) did in fact kill my grandmother Lily– he faced into a life long battle with a sever mental illness and she reached her edge and was set to leave him - he grabbed out to her in love and in doing so caught a nerve in her neck that sent her to a great long place of sleep. In that instant, in that tethering he had to her – that fear of loss - he grabbed out and changed my mums life forever at the tender age of 21 and then in turn mine.
I am not afraid now to write here that I may be a bit different, I have had a very full life thus far – (I am now in a place that I am acceptant and happy with that – we’ve made peace me and me) – what I’ve loved in this journey of discovery time and time again is that we all our. I am self-conscious, kooky a bit mad (as my boss kindly refers to me) and I love love and I am not afraid to admit it, not if it helps other people realise the same. None of us our cookie cutter perfect as we’d try to fool ourselves to believe - so we need not tether ourselves to all the things we believe hold us in perfection – people, places, things…
We all have the ability to connect and by that I mean properly with life, YOUR life - if we allow it – that’s what we are so craving, that place where we feel, like PROPERLY feel – and for ourselves – not feel what we’re told to because it makes people feel more comfortable (by the way it doesn’t – people are much more comfortable if you show them you inner dork from the get go!) – We need to feel (again properly) that joy of life that comes with being unique, being the truest version of you – warts and all - and not just look in on the best bits over and over- that is mind numbingly BORING - nor must we tether to the people that ‘bring out those best bits in us’ (remember they too a reflection of you – so that awesomeness? you already own that and in your own way!) - We’ve got to hold that joy, that uniqueness in our hands and feel its warmth daily. We mustn’t allow our minds to tell us that in the next 30 seconds that joy in life will fly out the window - tell it to jog on when the mind cries ‘close your hands tight shut LIKE NOW – quick before it gets away’ – cause all you’ll do is suffocate it – squash it – keep it prisoner and look in on it every couple of weeks just to see how its going – how its surviving and that’s just not life.
SO go and be you – and allow those you love the self same gift – let go of the rope and stop pulling yourself into a place you needn’t be - or attaching yourself to the ideals of another cause you’re so scared they’ll leave if they see ‘the real you’ – go and grow – accept every piece of you and do it lovingly – rope burn hurts, so why inflict that on yourself when you have the ability to set sail in to life trusting that you’ll charter the course to your greatest abilities in your own way and in your own time.
When I was a kid my parents always insisted on some very basic ‘rules ‘of house…wipe your feet before you come through the front door being the most prominent for me - and then…take your shoes off as soon as you are through that door (if not before – that is if its not pissing it down with rain and the thought of squidgy wet socks freaked my dad out more) … you see no one wants muddy paw prints traipsing through their home - a home that they’ve spent years envisaging, building, investing in, nurturing, cleaning… and I get it…more than get it…
… and I am sure during some more ‘hormonal’ periods my of life that it bothered me, the rules and the routine, but I always did it – even with the lack of a smile, out of unquestionable respect it became routine, effortless… unquestionable. And then when I went to another’s home? Well I’d pay the same respects to their space…without thought really; it was just a learnt given...
I am not too sure why it took me another 20 odd years to work out that the ‘house rules’ should be not only be applied to our material homes, but to the inner nest also - and not just our hearts, not just our minds, not just our bodies – the whole entity… its a master piece you see, our own personal master piece - the being of you - a home you’ve worked tirelessly to envisage, build, remodel... that you want to ‘show it off’ - sure you want others to ‘admire it’ and why not? No I mean it… why the hey not!
But then that ego kicks in doesn’t it – that fear – that flip side…. Ermm what if they don’t like it when they’re in? …. What if it’s not as great being here, being me as I thought?... HOLY SHIT – what happens if they find a crack in the celling? They find a bulb that’s exploded and gone out, they think the paints dull and what if they find that Monica from Friends cupboard where I’ve shoved all my shit out of sight? And what if they come in and then they tell other people that it’s a hot mess? Oh god no - that just will not do will it…so what do we do? We open the door… which is more than a good first step… but it’s the AND THEN that plays the blinder here… so let us get to it…
*coughs – clears throat*
Well then we don’t really review our visitors – don’t check their invite - cause we don’t really ‘see them’ and their dirty shoes…we’re just so grateful that some one came… so we open the door up…WIDE – we so often allow people to just strive right on in, without an actual official invitation, with their shoes on tight - traipsing their emotional mud all over our wooden floors or cream carpets – an open house, really… a free for all - you might as well be standing outside of it shouting ‘yeah come on in, take space...’ and what you actually may as well be saying is – ‘I am out of my depth here… come in, take some ownership, PLEASE…put your feet right on up’
And what a fabulous invitation to another’s subconscious? A free house? Where I can come in? and do what I want? Many thanks, don’t mind if I do….
Time flies by and you start to see a decline in your space, the appearance of it… the once beautiful home that you worked so hard to build and grow, well its not being treated in the essence in which it was created and crafted is it?… and then some time later, an unscheduled moment usually… you flare up at your ‘visitor’ - step one happens in your mind (we all know how vicious that can be) and the burning of the words left unsaid drips down into our hearts and step two – it burns, and we stress because it sits so heavy there, burning away.. so that then EVENTUALLY ...we crash land at step three – we explode – with an overtly (often irrationally) expressed ‘don’t do that’, ‘don’t leave that there’, ‘would you do that in your own home’... nag, nag, nag…. Much to your guests bemused reaction of ‘what the actual funk?’ Sorry to say (well actually not really sorry) that its here we (myself included) should realise this is actually our own fault….
Why? BECAUSE WE DIDN’T LAY DOWN THE 'RULES' ON ENTRY…. From session to session I’ve realised its something socially we carry - mainly from beyond youth, from school and from before that…. feeding people rules is somewhat boring we believe… but I feel not, not if delivered with the right intention - not if they are within reason? LIKE, yep you guessed it – like wiping your feet before you come in to my house…and then taking your shoes off… its not really a big ask is it? It’s actually the courteous thing to do isn’t it? Its more of a gently boundary - than a rule that’s going to send someone, who genuinely wants to come, to be here to ‘see me’… who has taken the time, made the effort to get here…to send them running?
I work from home often, I work from others homes also – I’ve had clients traipse in when I was so lacking in confidence of my abilities 11 years ago and I wouldn’t trade or charge for my time – I was grateful that they just came and they would run my ragged post session – I made excuses for it and the demands where high…my own space? What was that to them… it didn’t exist to them - they could not see it. Perhaps… just perhaps (more like - yeah like actually in fact) because I didn’t let them see it? Didn’t share the boundaries – probably because then I didn’t have any confidence in what they were or should be… I didn’t respect what I owned... I was shy, sensitive and I had huge doubt hanging over the door with a light shone right over it saying who the hell am I….come help me look… Naturally it took time, self nurture, self respect and some gentle boundary settings to realise that if they came in fair nature, good intention they’d come back and if they ran? Well let them get going I say, better to know now they arrived in respect rather than to drop off some baggage they’ve run out of room in their own home to store.
Annnnnd I hear it so much still now – the work I do with so many of my clients I see, and during the time I have with friends … we have all allowed people to come on in and we have all allowed our inner space to be shaped by a visitor or two, rather than grown with them. It is a somewhat hard, but rewarding lesson well learnt…And just for the record (again), no I am not talking here about romantic love (but if that’s what this resonates within you today - then that is more than cool) – I am talking here about every relationship you have with another...work colleagues, friends, an animal, a stranger… you don’t need to build walls in defence – having let someone in once, let them make a mess and then having spent much time and great investment in having an almighty clean up…that’s not what a boundary is, that’s a line of defence. A boundary (a house rule) too can be loving, it can be a welcome home mat that say ‘meet me here and this too is how I will meet you’ – it can say ‘home sweet home’ with a small print under it saying ‘please be sweet and wipe your feet’ and this may feel the hardest thing on the planet to implement because you are SCARED…. Scared of how they’ll meet or find you – that it isn’t enough or isn’t right… but (I LOVE a BUT) more often than not it will be enough, more than enough and you having laid the love line down, that boundary of how to enter your home? Well, you’re saving yourself months, perhaps years of unnecessary emotional stress, tension build up, resistance and then anger, aggression and regret – when all you needed to do was open the door and show them the way in and they way how.
'All you need is love’, ‘Love, love will keep us together’, ‘Where is the love?’ – that last one’s a good question…and I love that song… I think it ‘gets me’ ;P
I bang on A LOT about love and people bang on A LOT to me about LOVE, their LOVE – which is total cool - but more often than not we are banging on together about two very different things… so I would like to talk super quickly (by my standards) about the LOVE I loud hailer on to everyday
YES I am a modern day ‘hippie’ – I believe in the ying and the yang – that good and that bad in all of us, I believe we are what we see in ourselves and also that in which moves us in others (again the good and the ‘bad’)
But this thing called LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE – (I just love that word and who doesn’t) – we all deserve it, I tire very easily (sorry) of that debate, ‘ I don’t deserve it’ ‘I’ll never find it’ (and I tired of having it with myself more than anything!!)– that’s not the love I am talking about – that romantic love is just a very small cherry on the top of a whole ice cream Sunday of love…. I’d like to recall a conversation with a very dear friend from my arrival week at university at the tender age of 18 when I thought I owned the world but really had no idea…we’ll call her A for the sake of our time here:
ME: I don’t think I’ve ever been in love’
A: well that’s just not true?
ME: *puzzled faced* and in mind: how the hell do you know love you’ve only just met me?!
A: we’ll you love your parents right and they love you? So you have been loved, you have loved right from the day you stepped onto the planet cause you are love…
*STOP PRESS* .. oh..yeah….
See love to me is an umbrella – a life force, an energy that connects us to each and every other living thing – to that which is above us (and beyond us), below us (at our feet and beyond us.. deep deep down) and that which runs through us. How I ‘see it’ in my visual castle? It’s a crazy place this – I spend much time in here so I ‘ll try and paint out its vision to you in words….for me there is a spider web type thread that runs from us out into the world, (that’s the big wide world – not just our wee world – let’s not forget the scale of this bad boy!!) people walk into our web, cross it and vice versa ever day – what we send up and down that thread – well that’s of our making – our choice… you often hear about vibrations – you know, the ‘we just clicked’ ‘I’m really not vibing them’? – and that to me is how this web links us – how what others send out on a vibration from their web as it hits ours… what we omit – what we ‘catch’ from another – that can either be amazingly lifting or frantically suppressive.. you know to be a drain and radiator? It’s a life choice….
I am told OFTEN that I am very LOUD (in the morning especially), very bright, very weird, very happy – I have not always been like that – when the world felt untrusting and I was not of an understanding of ‘how things really worked’ I gave back that sense to the world, that lack and the vibration I resonated felt very, VERY different to how you’d meet me today and every interaction reflected that and the vacuum sucked and pulled until I felt quiet simply empty….
As I started to listen to life as I found light in my despair as I’ve battled with, played with, worked with energy every day I am left nothing but mind blown with its malleability…its changeability…and what shifts a ‘negative’ into a ‘positive’ for me? Well that is love and me as its vehicle, positive affliction, even in the darkest of storms.. if I charter my course home with a touch of love (strength, faith, wisdom, belief, intuition) I will always find dry land 10 times quicker than if I follow the swirl of the storm (worry, despair, distrust, ego)
That’s why I don’t believe in chance or coincidence – I know in my heart that like attracts like (and what's more from experience) – if I am radiating like a rainbow following the storm I will also appear as the pot of Gold and my life's wealth will overflow into the pockets (or hearts) of others as well as my own. If I opt to be the raincloud then I will be the lightening that strikes the life out of everything in my path that day…and leave the land barren where I’ve struck it… no.. growth...
So we have a choice – we all do – I choose LOVE… simple as that, I can’t argue it – it’s my version of a religion – kindness and love… and yes you’re right it’s not always easy choosing love – actually it’s bloody hard work – and YES life tests you and tries you and you have to show up.…stare it down and say not today, I am going hard, I am holding focus on my strength, my love of life and myself. You may not see the major results today, so shift focus and look for the small results, the small progresses – the miniatures, the blessings in disguise are often the most rewarding, the most valuable and then focus on them, the micro wins, the love (not the ego) within you and within those you meet.
SO as I will continue to ‘preach (live by) everyday (Listen in or zone out as you may – life’s a choice not a schooling!) Love hard, smash through the walls you built in fear – they don’t define you – you’re actions do and the way in which you send them out – love yourself, your friends, your family, the world and everything living or crawling within it whether it loves you back or spits in your eye (letting that anger permeate your castle, cross your moat – that’s a major no, no..) – be honest, be kind and try.. because if you don’t try, if you don’t have a go – give a wee bit of effort in glowing, you’ll never know nor will you reap the rewards of truly shinning.
with LOVE, :)
Here’s some really cool things some people have said about me:
Now you may not think these things necessarily fall into the ‘cool’ box – but they do and I will tell you why, because they’re really funny to me now, they really make me chuckle these little ‘monsters’ that swiped at me. Why, you really are mad? Well yes, you may ask and yes well maybe, but at the time and space in which they were delivered they were very powerful things that I’d thought about myself – but in that moment they were powering back at me from the ‘real world’ and I accepted them as they were ‘truths’ (lies) I’d told myself to keep me ‘safe’ – you see if I held the ‘your sh*t key’ – I could always get in there and turn it before life, I’d wrongly believed would.
So what’s the point of this – what am I try to show you here? Well I would like to talk about relationships – they are magical things, truly I believe everyone is a teacher – be it a friend, a co-worker, a lover, a pet, a parent, a stranger…
‘How could they do that?’ ‘How could they say that?’ ‘What does that mean?’ and then eventually ‘I deserve better’ (YEAH YOU DO) recognise this mental suffocating patter? This is often where I find my friends, my clients and often where I’ve found myself. I could effortlessly talk to you about the joys of the love I have for people – truly, but today that wouldn’t really lead us anywhere and I am sure there is an instagram post out there that surmises it so much better.
So instead I would like to talk to you about the time I took the blind fold off – proper like – often it cheekily slips back down but not for long – and then there’s one defining moment where it came right off. HALLELUJAH! There’s a pattern you see – that old adage what ever you resist persists? The ‘monsters’ that often dance between our relationships – clawing at us – cause its easy to blame isn’t it, Its all so easy to make excuses for bad behaviour but I would like to teeter on our responsibility for the monsters that we call forth from the depths of others – for why we feed them and why they tend to focus on the same wound within us in order to help us once and for all clean in and stich it shut.
Let us revert back to the list…
Where did these spill?
The first comment comes from someone who is now a very dear friend. The second, a choir master a youth choir. The third date – a really bad one… clearly! The 4th a colleague and the 5th – most people I’ve met.
Let’s look at my relationships then, every shade…
I have lots of friends, cross all genders and I treasure them – I have a beautiful patchwork quilt of people who make that up – some who I see once in a blue moon, you know the ones – when you reconnect, BOOM we are back were we left off. Friends, I laugh with, cry with, plan with, say nothing with, run from, run too – friends...
And the date, well those of you who know me know I don’t date often, actually if at all – I’ve had two ‘serious’ relationships my life – both of those taught me something ‘serious’ about myself – just like many of those friendships - and what’s that? Well for me that lesson was that I didn’t really know myself, that I certainty did not value or ‘love’ myself (then) that I would certainly change myself, box myself in rather than meet myself face on (again then!!).
Its here that I would like to focus on the last ‘serious’ relationship I flew home to (to me)– not because I’m angry about it, or wounded for it and want to use this space to vent about it and him and what went wrong... quiet the opposite, I’m at peace with it - I let it go and I grew from it - that was the lesson the magic - what happened what went wrong – what I had to learn in order to find who and where I am.
AT 25 you think you know everything – I’d started my healing work some 5 years earlier and I’d worked mainly on other people not so much on myself as is key – releasing those lies - LIFE LESSON ALERT - EMMA YOU ARE NOT GETTING IT – and then? Then I stumbled into a relationship – beside my better judgment (always listen to yourself) I went in one eye open and I am glad I did – you see you can’t run from pain, you have to face it in and unlearn those truths which are in fact lies - in order to water your garden, to breathe life into your own being and to learn some real home truths you’re avoiding – like everyone. Now don’t get me wrong - we had fun and everything happened very quickly and I lost myself in what someone else wanted effortlessly – HERE IN LIE THE PROBLEM – and wanted too on some level sure– HERE IN LIE THE LESSON.
The monsters came in almost as quickly as the relationship took off - from the depths – what I echoed out, called and clawed out to me from deep within him and every time the monster called, ‘come on, give me more’ I did – without questions – because I thought that’s what being in love was – sacrifice. I was so desperate to be seen and loved and all that happened was that the more gave, the more the words would spill from the depths of my monster – the resistance, the shut down, this monster kept loved from me, used it in blackmail against me emotionally it wounded me to the point where I believed I was unlovable – HOORAY I HAD PROVED MY LIFE POINT - the truths from my list at the start? Yeah go me! I had reached the ultimate validation - and then what did I do? I dug a bit deeper, desperate to change it, desperate to ‘save it’ to – desperate for it to see me - but all the monster did was grow and grow and I became so shaded I couldn’t see myself any more.
When I say monster – I mean that which I fuelled in him, I allowed him to treat me the way in which I believed I deserved and I never questioned if that was right or wrong – I am responsible for my part in this as much as he should be – I became forgotten, over looked, the more I gave the hungrier the monster became and the sunshine in me it craved - well it took it all, every last piece, emotionally it bullied me, very discreetly, smartly – to the untrained eye I appeared very happy because I thought at that time this is what love was.
So what happened? Well, I woke up. Literally life threw the blind fold off some 3 years later and in a drastic fashion –we can talk about the how another time, but it started gradually – the signs – what needed to be done– I began to question, slowly – ‘is this right?’ ‘Is this really it?’ and I’d debate with myself – battle with myself – ‘you deserve this?’ but then on the other hand ‘no I don’t’ – ‘it’s what they’ve always said about you’ – ‘you’re wrong’. …Eventually I walked up to the line and life shoved me over it – it hurt, hurt like hell but I found my voice and once I found that the calmness that ensued from hearing and trusting my gut was so empowering – I didn’t shout or blame or anger – I cried and laughed with friends when I’d gone. No I kept my cool, picked up myself esteem, gave myself a hug and I walked away – much to my monsters complete shock (and mine) –- I was terrified with excitement because I was finally feeling alive and living for myself – the love I’d given on tap I had finally poured back into myself and now there was so much of myself to now discover. I was not weak for staying, but strong because I stuck at trying to find what I was missing the whole time… me. LESSON LEARN’T 28 years later.
And then? Well it takes time – self-love – but nature abhors a vacuum – so I chose to fill it wisely and I’ve spent the last 4 years really dedicating to myself (and I will share this with you, my how’s) and to others – looking after me, growing me, nurturing me – counting my blessings – you see the list of cool things, I’d encouraged those in life from the get go and I swallowed it – because it resonated within me – and I know now that what makes me strong is my love of people – what has made me ‘weak’ ironically is also my love of people… I’d just misused that blessing in me, at the expense of myself…but I am still learning you see, for sure I am just writing to tell you that for every lie you swallow you step further from yourself but there is always an opportunity to unlearn it – so catch-it and catch it now – if it feels off, it is – don’t pick and poke at it - you deserve more than that– its not selfish to believe in yourself, to love yourself - it’s the most sensible thing you can do. to honour yourself – how can anyone meet you as you truly are if you’re too scared to look into the eye of your own reflection – nod to those monsters and de-tangle yourself from them… You can not pass your cup to someone and say drink and then blame them for finishing off the supply – no, you have to fill your cup and then let it spill over and flow to people – not at the expense of yourself, but in union with yourself.
With all that love,
This piece is written in thanks to all those people who put their faith and trust in me and for every time they apologised for their release, their tears (always well spent) when they totally shouldn’t have.
I’ve had a big old weekend this weekend on the session work front– we’ll come back to what exactly that is…sometime… I promise…it’s just a really hard one to answer ‘what exactly do you do’ – but maybe it’s not, maybe I am just making it hard (sounds about right) BUT what we can pick up here easily is the beauty of the release that comes as a result of them.
I’ve seen people waltz out my session room, shuffle out stoned and also fly out the room (actual) but sometimes, often in fact – ‘something’ has to shift before that fairy dust kicks right on in and so I want to talk about another wonderful thing the body does… it finds a way to release. My personal favourite way of doing this is in tears (and I’ve had people vomit on me – which is no bad thing, just not my fav) – thank goodness I say for crying – ‘cause I think its beautiful! Am I mad, definitely – but one thing I’m not is a liar.
I can spend a 1.5hr session with someone or 2 hours in meditation and I can ‘see’ the tears coming before their tear ducts have even started their merry dance. As a kid I learnt I could sometimes see that sadness welling up in another weeks before the explosion came and the worst thing you can do at that point in time? Is to religiously ask someone if they’re ok on repeat, if they’re not as yet ready to admit it to themselves…
As a child I naturally counselled my mother (perhaps one of the strongest women I/we all know) through depression (fyi, she won that battle ...slow and steady... legendary) and she’s cool with me telling you that – (thank you mum!) – in life throwing her hard shadow she gave me a gift I can never truly really ever thank her enough for - she taught me something very precious about myself, how strong I am and over time I learnt too, how my sensitivity was in fact my biggest strength– but there’s a bigger puzzle piece to this story which involves me introducing you to my granddad Eric, but again not yet - that’s a precious one I am still mulling over….
I grew up (not quite there yet!!) romantically and more often than not painfully wanting to take all the tears and pain in the world away, soak them up, make it ALL better – and for a time I did try just that and I grew full and heavy because you can’t carry another’s pain, you just can’t - and you can’t demand of them when they need to let it go – it’s not fair on you and it’s definitely not fair on them - you’ll only ever reach the buckaroo point and throw it all out in a big fat mess – messier than before you started - you are also robbing that person of the experience of letting go and all in good time for themselves.
Turns out life did hear my call (in its time, not mine – OH HELLO PATIENCE!!) and it threw me Chinese medicine – something called Reiki (which evolved naturally over time into 'healing' for me) - another funny story we’ll come back to and one I NEVER thought I would be rocking on into at the tender age of 20 (though my dad will tell you he always saw it coming when I used to wander off at the airport behind those of an oriental Nationality - shuffling behind them (lovingly not in jest I promise) bowing to them repetitively in prayer…actually true story)... anyway, back to the Reiki - I thought, at first this was a type of sword fighting.. but it turns out it was the start of loving harnessing of a wonderful gift that gave me the opportunity to do exactly what my soul had been calling for all its life… helping other people let go.
Fast forward 11 years to present date and the weekend that was, the weekend ‘of love’ (fyi - self love as a starter for 10, always…) You know a weekend is going to be interesting when you hear this danger sentence… ‘You’ve got to help me, I’m going backwards’ coupled with the shallow breathing, a bag of anxiety on their back and stamp of its presence on their face.
Call me odd (please do!), but these sessions (healing, mediation or even coaching) are usually my favourite – because I know what’s coming at the end of our time together – the almighty up (and lets be realistic - sometimes that can take up to 3 days + to hit there after) - I’m not a crazy hippie (not much anyway) there’s always more work to be done (always!), but that magic twinkle in someone’s eye at the end of a session – that blows my mind…always, it’s like a homecoming.
You see for me, going ‘backwards’ is simply not true anymore – I’ve said it – I’ve felt it and now I’ve re-evaluated it – with not just clients, but friends, family and myself…. So, I decided to take charge and re-labelled it – you see you have to (and ‘have to’ sounds so final and bossy - but you really must) re-witnessing (the new tag) old pains in a compacted amount of time to find out why life feels so heavy is vital - pain happens, fact and life is hard – also fact. But its also wonderful and light – the ying and the yang and all that jazz –but what is definite in this is that we really needn’t hold on to it (the pain) for quite so long as we do – in self-defence, in self-torture - in order on some level, to protect ourselves from more invisible future pain - to remind ourselves of a moment in time where we ‘bled or burnt’ we needn’t pick at the scar – we can lovingly soothe it. You do however have to dip your toe into the stagnant water (though now as only seen only through the rear view mirror) - there is no shame in that – you are being wildly brave - for you are not going backwards you are only looking in, in order to let go.
The epic life soldier on my couch – who I verbally encourage at the get go to let go and to trust me as best they can, will always hold those tears in – choke themselves with those tears, screw their face up, clench their fists, try with every bone in their body to resist that flow… and in part becuase of embarrassment and equally because that pain feels so familiar that letting go of it on some level feels like loosing a part of self - but guess what, it always comes does the go. I am patient and accepting of the fact that I can’t demand this on cue. I used to, I used to really get exhasabated and mainly with myself. See, I used to cry and cry a lot - and back then (in mid-youth) I thought I was ‘weak’ and it was embarrassing to have such an upheaval - but now? Now I actually see I was mega brave, like almighty so (hell yeah!) - because letting go and purging my body of stress – that is a wonderful thing. Even now I cry, and I’ll go full force– I literally flow out because I have known and seen the damage (physically and mentally) flooding in can do, and then what? Well then I laugh – as I remember what one of my wonderful teachers of life taught me ‘go as low as you need to go and then go f**cking lower- the only way is up from there on in’ and that’s why crying (or what ever your flowing out need be) is so awesome – the emotional does effect the physical if you hold it too tightly – science even agrees with me on this one (BIG SMILIE FACE).
So when you come to me, or when you come to yourself – go 100% and worry not about the damage letting go can do – but grab hold of the rope of self and know that on the other side of the flow, out from the storm – always is calm, your dry land. Because what I’ve noted over 11 years of working and in every experience I’ve once had the pleasure of holding hands with – whether it lifts or throws me… both of these are ok, neither right nor wrong - there is a lesson in a smile and without a shadow of doubt there is always one hanging within a tear.