Here’s some really cool things some people have said about me:
Now you may not think these things necessarily fall into the ‘cool’ box – but they do and I will tell you why, because they’re really funny to me now, they really make me chuckle these little ‘monsters’ that swiped at me. Why, you really are mad? Well yes, you may ask and yes well maybe, but at the time and space in which they were delivered they were very powerful things that I’d thought about myself – but in that moment they were powering back at me from the ‘real world’ and I accepted them as they were ‘truths’ (lies) I’d told myself to keep me ‘safe’ – you see if I held the ‘your sh*t key’ – I could always get in there and turn it before life, I’d wrongly believed would.
So what’s the point of this – what am I try to show you here? Well I would like to talk about relationships – they are magical things, truly I believe everyone is a teacher – be it a friend, a co-worker, a lover, a pet, a parent, a stranger…
‘How could they do that?’ ‘How could they say that?’ ‘What does that mean?’ and then eventually ‘I deserve better’ (YEAH YOU DO) recognise this mental suffocating patter? This is often where I find my friends, my clients and often where I’ve found myself. I could effortlessly talk to you about the joys of the love I have for people – truly, but today that wouldn’t really lead us anywhere and I am sure there is an instagram post out there that surmises it so much better.
So instead I would like to talk to you about the time I took the blind fold off – proper like – often it cheekily slips back down but not for long – and then there’s one defining moment where it came right off. HALLELUJAH! There’s a pattern you see – that old adage what ever you resist persists? The ‘monsters’ that often dance between our relationships – clawing at us – cause its easy to blame isn’t it, Its all so easy to make excuses for bad behaviour but I would like to teeter on our responsibility for the monsters that we call forth from the depths of others – for why we feed them and why they tend to focus on the same wound within us in order to help us once and for all clean in and stich it shut.
Let us revert back to the list…
Where did these spill?
The first comment comes from someone who is now a very dear friend. The second, a choir master a youth choir. The third date – a really bad one… clearly! The 4th a colleague and the 5th – most people I’ve met.
Let’s look at my relationships then, every shade…
I have lots of friends, cross all genders and I treasure them – I have a beautiful patchwork quilt of people who make that up – some who I see once in a blue moon, you know the ones – when you reconnect, BOOM we are back were we left off. Friends, I laugh with, cry with, plan with, say nothing with, run from, run too – friends...
And the date, well those of you who know me know I don’t date often, actually if at all – I’ve had two ‘serious’ relationships my life – both of those taught me something ‘serious’ about myself – just like many of those friendships - and what’s that? Well for me that lesson was that I didn’t really know myself, that I certainty did not value or ‘love’ myself (then) that I would certainly change myself, box myself in rather than meet myself face on (again then!!).
Its here that I would like to focus on the last ‘serious’ relationship I flew home to (to me)– not because I’m angry about it, or wounded for it and want to use this space to vent about it and him and what went wrong... quiet the opposite, I’m at peace with it - I let it go and I grew from it - that was the lesson the magic - what happened what went wrong – what I had to learn in order to find who and where I am.
AT 25 you think you know everything – I’d started my healing work some 5 years earlier and I’d worked mainly on other people not so much on myself as is key – releasing those lies - LIFE LESSON ALERT - EMMA YOU ARE NOT GETTING IT – and then? Then I stumbled into a relationship – beside my better judgment (always listen to yourself) I went in one eye open and I am glad I did – you see you can’t run from pain, you have to face it in and unlearn those truths which are in fact lies - in order to water your garden, to breathe life into your own being and to learn some real home truths you’re avoiding – like everyone. Now don’t get me wrong - we had fun and everything happened very quickly and I lost myself in what someone else wanted effortlessly – HERE IN LIE THE PROBLEM – and wanted too on some level sure– HERE IN LIE THE LESSON.
The monsters came in almost as quickly as the relationship took off - from the depths – what I echoed out, called and clawed out to me from deep within him and every time the monster called, ‘come on, give me more’ I did – without questions – because I thought that’s what being in love was – sacrifice. I was so desperate to be seen and loved and all that happened was that the more gave, the more the words would spill from the depths of my monster – the resistance, the shut down, this monster kept loved from me, used it in blackmail against me emotionally it wounded me to the point where I believed I was unlovable – HOORAY I HAD PROVED MY LIFE POINT - the truths from my list at the start? Yeah go me! I had reached the ultimate validation - and then what did I do? I dug a bit deeper, desperate to change it, desperate to ‘save it’ to – desperate for it to see me - but all the monster did was grow and grow and I became so shaded I couldn’t see myself any more.
When I say monster – I mean that which I fuelled in him, I allowed him to treat me the way in which I believed I deserved and I never questioned if that was right or wrong – I am responsible for my part in this as much as he should be – I became forgotten, over looked, the more I gave the hungrier the monster became and the sunshine in me it craved - well it took it all, every last piece, emotionally it bullied me, very discreetly, smartly – to the untrained eye I appeared very happy because I thought at that time this is what love was.
So what happened? Well, I woke up. Literally life threw the blind fold off some 3 years later and in a drastic fashion –we can talk about the how another time, but it started gradually – the signs – what needed to be done– I began to question, slowly – ‘is this right?’ ‘Is this really it?’ and I’d debate with myself – battle with myself – ‘you deserve this?’ but then on the other hand ‘no I don’t’ – ‘it’s what they’ve always said about you’ – ‘you’re wrong’. …Eventually I walked up to the line and life shoved me over it – it hurt, hurt like hell but I found my voice and once I found that the calmness that ensued from hearing and trusting my gut was so empowering – I didn’t shout or blame or anger – I cried and laughed with friends when I’d gone. No I kept my cool, picked up myself esteem, gave myself a hug and I walked away – much to my monsters complete shock (and mine) –- I was terrified with excitement because I was finally feeling alive and living for myself – the love I’d given on tap I had finally poured back into myself and now there was so much of myself to now discover. I was not weak for staying, but strong because I stuck at trying to find what I was missing the whole time… me. LESSON LEARN’T 28 years later.
And then? Well it takes time – self-love – but nature abhors a vacuum – so I chose to fill it wisely and I’ve spent the last 4 years really dedicating to myself (and I will share this with you, my how’s) and to others – looking after me, growing me, nurturing me – counting my blessings – you see the list of cool things, I’d encouraged those in life from the get go and I swallowed it – because it resonated within me – and I know now that what makes me strong is my love of people – what has made me ‘weak’ ironically is also my love of people… I’d just misused that blessing in me, at the expense of myself…but I am still learning you see, for sure I am just writing to tell you that for every lie you swallow you step further from yourself but there is always an opportunity to unlearn it – so catch-it and catch it now – if it feels off, it is – don’t pick and poke at it - you deserve more than that– its not selfish to believe in yourself, to love yourself - it’s the most sensible thing you can do. to honour yourself – how can anyone meet you as you truly are if you’re too scared to look into the eye of your own reflection – nod to those monsters and de-tangle yourself from them… You can not pass your cup to someone and say drink and then blame them for finishing off the supply – no, you have to fill your cup and then let it spill over and flow to people – not at the expense of yourself, but in union with yourself.
With all that love,
This piece is written in thanks to all those people who put their faith and trust in me and for every time they apologised for their release, their tears (always well spent) when they totally shouldn’t have.
I’ve had a big old weekend this weekend on the session work front– we’ll come back to what exactly that is…sometime… I promise…it’s just a really hard one to answer ‘what exactly do you do’ – but maybe it’s not, maybe I am just making it hard (sounds about right) BUT what we can pick up here easily is the beauty of the release that comes as a result of them.
I’ve seen people waltz out my session room, shuffle out stoned and also fly out the room (actual) but sometimes, often in fact – ‘something’ has to shift before that fairy dust kicks right on in and so I want to talk about another wonderful thing the body does… it finds a way to release. My personal favourite way of doing this is in tears (and I’ve had people vomit on me – which is no bad thing, just not my fav) – thank goodness I say for crying – ‘cause I think its beautiful! Am I mad, definitely – but one thing I’m not is a liar.
I can spend a 1.5hr session with someone or 2 hours in meditation and I can ‘see’ the tears coming before their tear ducts have even started their merry dance. As a kid I learnt I could sometimes see that sadness welling up in another weeks before the explosion came and the worst thing you can do at that point in time? Is to religiously ask someone if they’re ok on repeat, if they’re not as yet ready to admit it to themselves…
As a child I naturally counselled my mother (perhaps one of the strongest women I/we all know) through depression (fyi, she won that battle ...slow and steady... legendary) and she’s cool with me telling you that – (thank you mum!) – in life throwing her hard shadow she gave me a gift I can never truly really ever thank her enough for - she taught me something very precious about myself, how strong I am and over time I learnt too, how my sensitivity was in fact my biggest strength– but there’s a bigger puzzle piece to this story which involves me introducing you to my granddad Eric, but again not yet - that’s a precious one I am still mulling over….
I grew up (not quite there yet!!) romantically and more often than not painfully wanting to take all the tears and pain in the world away, soak them up, make it ALL better – and for a time I did try just that and I grew full and heavy because you can’t carry another’s pain, you just can’t - and you can’t demand of them when they need to let it go – it’s not fair on you and it’s definitely not fair on them - you’ll only ever reach the buckaroo point and throw it all out in a big fat mess – messier than before you started - you are also robbing that person of the experience of letting go and all in good time for themselves.
Turns out life did hear my call (in its time, not mine – OH HELLO PATIENCE!!) and it threw me Chinese medicine – something called Reiki (which evolved naturally over time into 'healing' for me) - another funny story we’ll come back to and one I NEVER thought I would be rocking on into at the tender age of 20 (though my dad will tell you he always saw it coming when I used to wander off at the airport behind those of an oriental Nationality - shuffling behind them (lovingly not in jest I promise) bowing to them repetitively in prayer…actually true story)... anyway, back to the Reiki - I thought, at first this was a type of sword fighting.. but it turns out it was the start of loving harnessing of a wonderful gift that gave me the opportunity to do exactly what my soul had been calling for all its life… helping other people let go.
Fast forward 11 years to present date and the weekend that was, the weekend ‘of love’ (fyi - self love as a starter for 10, always…) You know a weekend is going to be interesting when you hear this danger sentence… ‘You’ve got to help me, I’m going backwards’ coupled with the shallow breathing, a bag of anxiety on their back and stamp of its presence on their face.
Call me odd (please do!), but these sessions (healing, mediation or even coaching) are usually my favourite – because I know what’s coming at the end of our time together – the almighty up (and lets be realistic - sometimes that can take up to 3 days + to hit there after) - I’m not a crazy hippie (not much anyway) there’s always more work to be done (always!), but that magic twinkle in someone’s eye at the end of a session – that blows my mind…always, it’s like a homecoming.
You see for me, going ‘backwards’ is simply not true anymore – I’ve said it – I’ve felt it and now I’ve re-evaluated it – with not just clients, but friends, family and myself…. So, I decided to take charge and re-labelled it – you see you have to (and ‘have to’ sounds so final and bossy - but you really must) re-witnessing (the new tag) old pains in a compacted amount of time to find out why life feels so heavy is vital - pain happens, fact and life is hard – also fact. But its also wonderful and light – the ying and the yang and all that jazz –but what is definite in this is that we really needn’t hold on to it (the pain) for quite so long as we do – in self-defence, in self-torture - in order on some level, to protect ourselves from more invisible future pain - to remind ourselves of a moment in time where we ‘bled or burnt’ we needn’t pick at the scar – we can lovingly soothe it. You do however have to dip your toe into the stagnant water (though now as only seen only through the rear view mirror) - there is no shame in that – you are being wildly brave - for you are not going backwards you are only looking in, in order to let go.
The epic life soldier on my couch – who I verbally encourage at the get go to let go and to trust me as best they can, will always hold those tears in – choke themselves with those tears, screw their face up, clench their fists, try with every bone in their body to resist that flow… and in part becuase of embarrassment and equally because that pain feels so familiar that letting go of it on some level feels like loosing a part of self - but guess what, it always comes does the go. I am patient and accepting of the fact that I can’t demand this on cue. I used to, I used to really get exhasabated and mainly with myself. See, I used to cry and cry a lot - and back then (in mid-youth) I thought I was ‘weak’ and it was embarrassing to have such an upheaval - but now? Now I actually see I was mega brave, like almighty so (hell yeah!) - because letting go and purging my body of stress – that is a wonderful thing. Even now I cry, and I’ll go full force– I literally flow out because I have known and seen the damage (physically and mentally) flooding in can do, and then what? Well then I laugh – as I remember what one of my wonderful teachers of life taught me ‘go as low as you need to go and then go f**cking lower- the only way is up from there on in’ and that’s why crying (or what ever your flowing out need be) is so awesome – the emotional does effect the physical if you hold it too tightly – science even agrees with me on this one (BIG SMILIE FACE).
So when you come to me, or when you come to yourself – go 100% and worry not about the damage letting go can do – but grab hold of the rope of self and know that on the other side of the flow, out from the storm – always is calm, your dry land. Because what I’ve noted over 11 years of working and in every experience I’ve once had the pleasure of holding hands with – whether it lifts or throws me… both of these are ok, neither right nor wrong - there is a lesson in a smile and without a shadow of doubt there is always one hanging within a tear.
I've been to an all-girls school; so trust me when I say I know how this works on that particular ‘type of’ bullying (sadly there is definitely types), in fact I’ve been bullied in jobs, in general and I’m sure somewhere along the line I’ve behaved in a fashion that someone say was bullish to them….and I really hope I caught it in motion and apologised, but if I didn’t, I mean it now, I am sorry.
I don’t want to diminish this - It’s a big topic, it’s a really important one – it can toughen you or it can harden you – it can break you and it can build you - but I’d like to apply short focus to one particular shade of bully, it’s one that pops up a lot in my session work, cross gender – it’s super close to home, so close its innate – it’s probably the toughest of them all – you know where I’m heading with this… it’s you.
I am the worst, actually I have been the worst at this – if bullying of self was a criminal offense or deemed worthy of an ASBO I am pretty sure by now I’d be out of juvenile detention and rocking a nifty little tag on the old ankle for this one now, file note would read ‘out for good behaviour…likely to re-offend (oh and trust me - I do! I really do!)
I’m not sure when it started, or why it did – I come from a family of self-persecutors, for sure – in fact my Grandad, the beyond wonderful Eric (We’ll come back to him in a later blog, he is very important to this picture – he perhaps laid the first paint splodge well before I was even born) suffered from mental illness, persecution disorder rocked his world every day – he never did overcome it, it sunk his ship, in fact it took down his whole world, but somewhat beautifully it built mine (but like I said – this is a BIG story – which needs more thought than me tapping out with a brownie hanging out my mouth and a cup of tea in my paw).
SO where am I headed with this? I want to start working towards rebuilding the relationship with this part of self – and to help others with that I had to knuckle down - and I thought - tear mine to shreds… wrong… what did I actually have to do? I had to bloody embrace her (really? Yep actual) - listen to her (but she is mean and rough), interview her, evidence her (proper silent witness behaviour) –why do I function like this? It’s taken a long time, I’ve not mastered it quite yet – it’s probably my biggest demon – I’ve mediated with her, run with her, cried with her, screamed at her for 32 years (nearly 32 years – give me 14 days) – I’ve made pseudo-peace with her and I’ve ‘let her go’ (‘cause that’s what I read you should do – it’s also what my mum says sometimes when she got bored of the tale having the same ending– HELLO MUM!!) more times than I cared to remember – but guess what, she comes back – she lies dormant and then she comes back fully padded up and ready to box.
I’ve done this over and over on annual repeat and man it got BORING – and then I stopped, can’t tell you why but I did and I realised I’d missed a trick, I got so wrapped up in her – so close to her I could no longer differentiate between the two – which is why I felt she was always right – she was just always too close… and then I started listening to other people’s stories (really listening, all in) – I’m not alone in the madness? We’ll that’s cool (diminishes quickly already her ‘greatness’ – this bully is not a one off – result!)
Given time, proper time (which for me is meditation and lots of it) – I gave her space and I gave her the platform to speak, I didn’t oppress her, I didn’t beat her, scream at her, flog her before she did me – I accepted her, talked to her (kindly) and now? Well now, when she’s coming at me I can see her coming and I can see her beauty – her honesty – she allows me, (when I really listen) to nut a problem out - not brandish myself with one (which was the origin of the fear of her), it’s SO healthy to drill things down - to analysis the if’s, what’s and but’s - so long as the condition in which they are delivered are constructive – so I found the beauty in the beast, I’ve begun to demystified her – I accepted her as part of who I am and I’ve worked tirelessly to build this in to my daily intention, my mediations and sessions. You can’t run from yourself, you can’t bury yourself – but you can, as in life, find the beauty in your demons and in turn (with time, patience and practice) walk with them – not be dragged kicking and screaming by the miscommunicated truths.
Who on earth am I ?
Big question…so I’ll start with who and what do I feel…
Some call me Em, others Emmy, some call me Mins, but most call me Mini... I think it's fair to say I am to people what they feel me to be, how they name it is their choice and I am totally cool with that...as long as it feels warm when it reaches me from their lips!
Back to business.. for me - no two experiences in life are ever truly the same and that's how I feel about healing and meditation.
Each treatment or session is specific and bespoke to the individual and at the place in time they are at.
My mission in life is to make these practices effortless, uncomplicated and un-intimidating - they don’t need to be ‘spiritual’ or ‘competitive’ they just need to be what’s right for you.
I believe that no one can't ever tell you how you feel, how to feel or how you are going to feel - so I won't, I’ll just encourage you to take a deep breath and dive right in.
...Is my light house.
I'm a 32 year old healer, meditation practitioner and clairvoyant with over 11 years’ experience - during the hours of 'normality' (9-5pm). I work in the ever quickening world of media.
I've led what I can only describe, thus far, as a very full life - enriched by very happy and some very sad experiences.
I'm told my story is very interesting, weird, exciting, crazy, amazing... to all those that have heard it.
Growing up being an empath and an old soul that didn't fit into a typical social box, was what I thought back then as hard - over time I've learnt that my sensitivity and uniqueness is a blessing and one I always have and will continue to share.
My love of you:
The world and the people in it will always either charge you up or drag you down and they definitely all make a mark (or a scar) - it’s what we take away or continues to carry with us that's not always so easy to give over on your own.
Mediation and Healing, emotionally or physically is what you make it - what your body needs or your soul craves. For me my practice started as an aide to help me switch off, each session (be it 2 minutes - 1hr) allowed me space to develop, grow, take responsibility for myself and then detach and witness my life from a whole new stance - it evolved into so much more when I let go and gave over to it.
The doors it has opened and the stories I'm now able to comfortably and confidently tell, whatever the reaction they may cause, always intrigue people at the right time in their own lives to have a go and I hope that invokes the same in you.