I’m not going to lie – when I got on the plane today, I wanted to sleep and/or watch a film – anything but write, actually I am avoiding writing today in this capacity – not too sure why – I woke up thinking about it, feeling about it - writing that is – heart leapt out of bed at 7am at the thought of it – ego had other plans – it felt the tears coming you see…
Now I can write after meditation, chapter and verse – easy – that flows – but this, this is different – this is a different type of meditation for me – more of a cathartic commitment and it usually means its pulling up from the depths of me something I’m fearful of knowing or readdressing- most likely a lie I taught myself to ‘keep me safe’ that I’m going to have to share with you here and I’m embarrassed by it or I’m not ready for a public reaction on– so go easy on me whatever these words turn into wont you. *BIG SMILY FACE*
So where to today kind Sir– when I write, I hand on heart don’t have a theme or a title – I just tend to splurge, from the heart on to the page – which is why writing has shone such a light in my life when it’s felt a tad cold and empty – but only ‘cause I put myself there.
I used to really struggle with the amount of stuff in my head, coupled with the delirium that came from the over whelming sense of empathy I have with the world and everyone in it – I could honestly say, I felt I would at times I would implode, like something out of a wonderful Roald Dahl book – because I used to believe I was rubbish - one of the bad guys, you know? – I think that’s a crippling fear for us all isn’t it? How we’re met in the world and how the world meets us? So we exhaust ourselves trying to camouflage from it
You see I have been my biggest abuser and now I am attempting to become my biggest lover. Hell to the YES – its just got to be done.
How did I hit that mission? Cause it’s a big one isn’t it… one we’re all trying to one part under take and one part avoid…
For me I hit an age… yes this is a COMING OF AGE STORY… WOO HOO…. Always wanted to write one of those so I did…
Back to the plot then – you can give, give and give and then you can give some more and then some and then you can run from life and hide yourself and waste a shit load of energy being anxious about even taking a breathe and it becomes so habitual you don’t even see it anymore and then, yes THEN you hit 30 like I did and life says HOLD ON ONE FUNKING MINUITE – you’re missing a trick here Em..
Me: Am I? Like what?
Life: Well, like you?
Me: Me? Na, I’m cool?
Are you? Are you really’… life probes… that knowing look on its face... ANNOYING!!!
Was I? Probably not – actually who am I trying to kid – no, no I wasn’t, not completely – I spent forever hiding behind a veil of what I worried everyone felt about me – I hid and I hid – I have been completely embarrassed for most of my life about the person I am or thought I was – I’d worry that I am one of the bad guys, I’d find a ‘good guy’ to compare myself to and then I’d worry myself into self disappointment and loathing and when ever I hit a high, I’d crumble into the thinking that I’m a FREAK, that I am never going to ‘fit in’ because I didn’t deserve to and I’d worry that I am never going to be accepted exactly as I am…. Hello pain, goodbye joy – ha, what a joke and what a complete WASTE of life…
So what to do, cause this feels like a big old awkward mess to clean up doesn’t it? And there’s no fluffy washing up gloves for this type of thing – this is cilit bang sort of a job… and so? Well I climbed into the boxing ring with myself, and we went round upon round - until my faith grew stronger and sucka punched my ego and its self- righteous anxiety right into the ropes J
So lets dance back a little if you’ve time… I’ve packaged and repackaged the wondrous gift that it is to be me till I diluted it right back to some one who was living their life as though they were part of the witness protection programme… I’ve avoided the question ‘how are you?’ like James Bond dodges a bullet – and why? Cause for me in time gone by - I would think you weren’t really that bothered and why is that? Because I wasn’t…
So let’s cut to the chase and the brutal question – am I bad person. No? But, I have lived most my life considering that I might be and so with that, I healed to ‘a level’ - a comfortable level of self…- but life won’t just let you go that deep will it, cause that’s too shallow for life and really what would be the point? Especially not doing the work I am doing, then I’d really be a phoney wouldn’t I?
How I see it now…
Why would you dig a well deep when sitting within you is a cave of gold? You’ll convince yourself there’s not much point digging much deeper because -
What if when we dig – all there is is a sewer of mess and skeletons and unsalvageable mess?
But (you know by now how much I love a but), BUT what If I told you 32 years in, with a very full CV of self and self exploration, life trials, pain, joy and love that it really is more worth it – more than you’ll ever know till you have a go? Hold on to that thought for a mo. whilst we continue the interrogation.
Next question – have I done ‘bad things’?
I’ve come to realise this is all in the definition – and my definition used to be harsh, so having stripped it ALL BACK my now answer would be NO - no, I have never killed anyone, I’ve never stolen anything that would see me serving time (if you know me well all I need say is ladies , mixology kits and street signs in my youth, if you don’t know me just ask…) have I hurt people? Physically, never… unintentionally, yes of course, we all have and have I been hurt? More than you’ll ever know – but mainly because I invested in it… so with all that in mind - do I deserve a painful life? No. OK then so that’s that – I’ve lied to myself most of my life.. Good one Knowles… so how do we refocus that then?
I am really proud of all my clients – they all work really hard to embrace change and it’s not easy – some have gone to hell and back and now I see them flying and I love that… I really do… you (and you know who you are) you inspire me to dig that bit deeper – for every time you push yourself that little but further beyond your comfort zone, you learn something new about yourself…and so in turn do I, so thank you - it’s like getting the level up star in Super Mario – its kick arse…
So back to 30 – the year that was, I went all in, in to myself… literally, You may think that is really selfish – but do you know what it’s the most amazing thing I ever did, and not just for me…for every life I’ve had the pleasure to touch thereafter and in what ever way that so be… because I didn’t know who I was before – I hadn’t properly invested in that, in me... I had been working in healing for 9 years at this time… and I had lost sight of where I started and where everyone else ended – a big blurry mess… I was spending time pleasing people rather than pleasing myself - and when done in the right sprit - I have come to see that pleasing yourself actually pleases everyone else much, much more. Try it! Please, I will sponsor you too J
You don’t need to go about this the way life took me. It’s whatever suits really – I’ve spent a lot of time in life on my own, when I invest in people I really invest - I’ve had two boyfriends the last being 5 years ago – so I am not the kind of person that requires to hide behind warm bodies.. I’m also far too tall and at times loud for that, but I do mask myself in another way... she’s much more tricksy you see, so I had to coax her out, l had to set the trap and catch myself…force that investment on to myself so I could give more to others..
So I made a big decision – I woke up one morning and committed to meditating everyday (yep it was that simple –I’ve only missed one day since and YES that’s ‘allowed’) and what followed very quickly was a decision to stop drinking and going ‘out out’ completely for a year – I never had a problem with it - I am still to date, I hope a fun drunk.. But I just needed some space from life and that London culture we have been led to believe is bar and pub heavy.. and that also comes with a load of very ‘up’ people’ crashing simultaneously into an almighty low in turn 11pm like a huge tsunami wave… when we relax and we allow ourselves to really flow its no bad thing... but that flow, can be emotional and exhausting.. and so I wanted to find that in a different environment, in REAL LIFE… and it’s saved my life. I sh*t you not. I have never felt stronger – I have witnessed myself in life, in people, in moments like I’ve never seen before- because I was out of focus – I was squinting and now I am wide eyed, bushy tailed and all in – I have time to not only listen but to digest – I know when I want to stay out, when I want to go home and I have big dreams which once upon a time felt so very far away and now I am holding them in my hands… you see I didn’t sacrifice myself to get there. I saved myself to do so and yes, yes you can too – you probably already are, so turn to see it, make that time for you and give yourself an almighty pat on the back, it’s never easy, what would be the point in that – but it’ll be well bloody worth it and the story will be well worth the tale to tell.