Here’s some really cool things some people have said about me:
Now you may not think these things necessarily fall into the ‘cool’ box – but they do and I will tell you why, because they’re really funny to me now, they really make me chuckle these little ‘monsters’ that swiped at me. Why, you really are mad? Well yes, you may ask and yes well maybe, but at the time and space in which they were delivered they were very powerful things that I’d thought about myself – but in that moment they were powering back at me from the ‘real world’ and I accepted them as they were ‘truths’ (lies) I’d told myself to keep me ‘safe’ – you see if I held the ‘your sh*t key’ – I could always get in there and turn it before life, I’d wrongly believed would.
So what’s the point of this – what am I try to show you here? Well I would like to talk about relationships – they are magical things, truly I believe everyone is a teacher – be it a friend, a co-worker, a lover, a pet, a parent, a stranger…
‘How could they do that?’ ‘How could they say that?’ ‘What does that mean?’ and then eventually ‘I deserve better’ (YEAH YOU DO) recognise this mental suffocating patter? This is often where I find my friends, my clients and often where I’ve found myself. I could effortlessly talk to you about the joys of the love I have for people – truly, but today that wouldn’t really lead us anywhere and I am sure there is an instagram post out there that surmises it so much better.
So instead I would like to talk to you about the time I took the blind fold off – proper like – often it cheekily slips back down but not for long – and then there’s one defining moment where it came right off. HALLELUJAH! There’s a pattern you see – that old adage what ever you resist persists? The ‘monsters’ that often dance between our relationships – clawing at us – cause its easy to blame isn’t it, Its all so easy to make excuses for bad behaviour but I would like to teeter on our responsibility for the monsters that we call forth from the depths of others – for why we feed them and why they tend to focus on the same wound within us in order to help us once and for all clean in and stich it shut.
Let us revert back to the list…
Where did these spill?
The first comment comes from someone who is now a very dear friend. The second, a choir master a youth choir. The third date – a really bad one… clearly! The 4th a colleague and the 5th – most people I’ve met.
Let’s look at my relationships then, every shade…
I have lots of friends, cross all genders and I treasure them – I have a beautiful patchwork quilt of people who make that up – some who I see once in a blue moon, you know the ones – when you reconnect, BOOM we are back were we left off. Friends, I laugh with, cry with, plan with, say nothing with, run from, run too – friends...
And the date, well those of you who know me know I don’t date often, actually if at all – I’ve had two ‘serious’ relationships my life – both of those taught me something ‘serious’ about myself – just like many of those friendships - and what’s that? Well for me that lesson was that I didn’t really know myself, that I certainty did not value or ‘love’ myself (then) that I would certainly change myself, box myself in rather than meet myself face on (again then!!).
Its here that I would like to focus on the last ‘serious’ relationship I flew home to (to me)– not because I’m angry about it, or wounded for it and want to use this space to vent about it and him and what went wrong... quiet the opposite, I’m at peace with it - I let it go and I grew from it - that was the lesson the magic - what happened what went wrong – what I had to learn in order to find who and where I am.
AT 25 you think you know everything – I’d started my healing work some 5 years earlier and I’d worked mainly on other people not so much on myself as is key – releasing those lies - LIFE LESSON ALERT - EMMA YOU ARE NOT GETTING IT – and then? Then I stumbled into a relationship – beside my better judgment (always listen to yourself) I went in one eye open and I am glad I did – you see you can’t run from pain, you have to face it in and unlearn those truths which are in fact lies - in order to water your garden, to breathe life into your own being and to learn some real home truths you’re avoiding – like everyone. Now don’t get me wrong - we had fun and everything happened very quickly and I lost myself in what someone else wanted effortlessly – HERE IN LIE THE PROBLEM – and wanted too on some level sure– HERE IN LIE THE LESSON.
The monsters came in almost as quickly as the relationship took off - from the depths – what I echoed out, called and clawed out to me from deep within him and every time the monster called, ‘come on, give me more’ I did – without questions – because I thought that’s what being in love was – sacrifice. I was so desperate to be seen and loved and all that happened was that the more gave, the more the words would spill from the depths of my monster – the resistance, the shut down, this monster kept loved from me, used it in blackmail against me emotionally it wounded me to the point where I believed I was unlovable – HOORAY I HAD PROVED MY LIFE POINT - the truths from my list at the start? Yeah go me! I had reached the ultimate validation - and then what did I do? I dug a bit deeper, desperate to change it, desperate to ‘save it’ to – desperate for it to see me - but all the monster did was grow and grow and I became so shaded I couldn’t see myself any more.
When I say monster – I mean that which I fuelled in him, I allowed him to treat me the way in which I believed I deserved and I never questioned if that was right or wrong – I am responsible for my part in this as much as he should be – I became forgotten, over looked, the more I gave the hungrier the monster became and the sunshine in me it craved - well it took it all, every last piece, emotionally it bullied me, very discreetly, smartly – to the untrained eye I appeared very happy because I thought at that time this is what love was.
So what happened? Well, I woke up. Literally life threw the blind fold off some 3 years later and in a drastic fashion –we can talk about the how another time, but it started gradually – the signs – what needed to be done– I began to question, slowly – ‘is this right?’ ‘Is this really it?’ and I’d debate with myself – battle with myself – ‘you deserve this?’ but then on the other hand ‘no I don’t’ – ‘it’s what they’ve always said about you’ – ‘you’re wrong’. …Eventually I walked up to the line and life shoved me over it – it hurt, hurt like hell but I found my voice and once I found that the calmness that ensued from hearing and trusting my gut was so empowering – I didn’t shout or blame or anger – I cried and laughed with friends when I’d gone. No I kept my cool, picked up myself esteem, gave myself a hug and I walked away – much to my monsters complete shock (and mine) –- I was terrified with excitement because I was finally feeling alive and living for myself – the love I’d given on tap I had finally poured back into myself and now there was so much of myself to now discover. I was not weak for staying, but strong because I stuck at trying to find what I was missing the whole time… me. LESSON LEARN’T 28 years later.
And then? Well it takes time – self-love – but nature abhors a vacuum – so I chose to fill it wisely and I’ve spent the last 4 years really dedicating to myself (and I will share this with you, my how’s) and to others – looking after me, growing me, nurturing me – counting my blessings – you see the list of cool things, I’d encouraged those in life from the get go and I swallowed it – because it resonated within me – and I know now that what makes me strong is my love of people – what has made me ‘weak’ ironically is also my love of people… I’d just misused that blessing in me, at the expense of myself…but I am still learning you see, for sure I am just writing to tell you that for every lie you swallow you step further from yourself but there is always an opportunity to unlearn it – so catch-it and catch it now – if it feels off, it is – don’t pick and poke at it - you deserve more than that– its not selfish to believe in yourself, to love yourself - it’s the most sensible thing you can do. to honour yourself – how can anyone meet you as you truly are if you’re too scared to look into the eye of your own reflection – nod to those monsters and de-tangle yourself from them… You can not pass your cup to someone and say drink and then blame them for finishing off the supply – no, you have to fill your cup and then let it spill over and flow to people – not at the expense of yourself, but in union with yourself.
With all that love,