This piece is written in thanks to all those people who put their faith and trust in me and for every time they apologised for their release, their tears (always well spent) when they totally shouldn’t have.
I’ve had a big old weekend this weekend on the session work front– we’ll come back to what exactly that is…sometime… I promise…it’s just a really hard one to answer ‘what exactly do you do’ – but maybe it’s not, maybe I am just making it hard (sounds about right) BUT what we can pick up here easily is the beauty of the release that comes as a result of them.
I’ve seen people waltz out my session room, shuffle out stoned and also fly out the room (actual) but sometimes, often in fact – ‘something’ has to shift before that fairy dust kicks right on in and so I want to talk about another wonderful thing the body does… it finds a way to release. My personal favourite way of doing this is in tears (and I’ve had people vomit on me – which is no bad thing, just not my fav) – thank goodness I say for crying – ‘cause I think its beautiful! Am I mad, definitely – but one thing I’m not is a liar.
I can spend a 1.5hr session with someone or 2 hours in meditation and I can ‘see’ the tears coming before their tear ducts have even started their merry dance. As a kid I learnt I could sometimes see that sadness welling up in another weeks before the explosion came and the worst thing you can do at that point in time? Is to religiously ask someone if they’re ok on repeat, if they’re not as yet ready to admit it to themselves…
As a child I naturally counselled my mother (perhaps one of the strongest women I/we all know) through depression (fyi, she won that battle ...slow and steady... legendary) and she’s cool with me telling you that – (thank you mum!) – in life throwing her hard shadow she gave me a gift I can never truly really ever thank her enough for - she taught me something very precious about myself, how strong I am and over time I learnt too, how my sensitivity was in fact my biggest strength– but there’s a bigger puzzle piece to this story which involves me introducing you to my granddad Eric, but again not yet - that’s a precious one I am still mulling over….
I grew up (not quite there yet!!) romantically and more often than not painfully wanting to take all the tears and pain in the world away, soak them up, make it ALL better – and for a time I did try just that and I grew full and heavy because you can’t carry another’s pain, you just can’t - and you can’t demand of them when they need to let it go – it’s not fair on you and it’s definitely not fair on them - you’ll only ever reach the buckaroo point and throw it all out in a big fat mess – messier than before you started - you are also robbing that person of the experience of letting go and all in good time for themselves.
Turns out life did hear my call (in its time, not mine – OH HELLO PATIENCE!!) and it threw me Chinese medicine – something called Reiki (which evolved naturally over time into 'healing' for me) - another funny story we’ll come back to and one I NEVER thought I would be rocking on into at the tender age of 20 (though my dad will tell you he always saw it coming when I used to wander off at the airport behind those of an oriental Nationality - shuffling behind them (lovingly not in jest I promise) bowing to them repetitively in prayer…actually true story)... anyway, back to the Reiki - I thought, at first this was a type of sword fighting.. but it turns out it was the start of loving harnessing of a wonderful gift that gave me the opportunity to do exactly what my soul had been calling for all its life… helping other people let go.
Fast forward 11 years to present date and the weekend that was, the weekend ‘of love’ (fyi - self love as a starter for 10, always…) You know a weekend is going to be interesting when you hear this danger sentence… ‘You’ve got to help me, I’m going backwards’ coupled with the shallow breathing, a bag of anxiety on their back and stamp of its presence on their face.
Call me odd (please do!), but these sessions (healing, mediation or even coaching) are usually my favourite – because I know what’s coming at the end of our time together – the almighty up (and lets be realistic - sometimes that can take up to 3 days + to hit there after) - I’m not a crazy hippie (not much anyway) there’s always more work to be done (always!), but that magic twinkle in someone’s eye at the end of a session – that blows my mind…always, it’s like a homecoming.
You see for me, going ‘backwards’ is simply not true anymore – I’ve said it – I’ve felt it and now I’ve re-evaluated it – with not just clients, but friends, family and myself…. So, I decided to take charge and re-labelled it – you see you have to (and ‘have to’ sounds so final and bossy - but you really must) re-witnessing (the new tag) old pains in a compacted amount of time to find out why life feels so heavy is vital - pain happens, fact and life is hard – also fact. But its also wonderful and light – the ying and the yang and all that jazz –but what is definite in this is that we really needn’t hold on to it (the pain) for quite so long as we do – in self-defence, in self-torture - in order on some level, to protect ourselves from more invisible future pain - to remind ourselves of a moment in time where we ‘bled or burnt’ we needn’t pick at the scar – we can lovingly soothe it. You do however have to dip your toe into the stagnant water (though now as only seen only through the rear view mirror) - there is no shame in that – you are being wildly brave - for you are not going backwards you are only looking in, in order to let go.
The epic life soldier on my couch – who I verbally encourage at the get go to let go and to trust me as best they can, will always hold those tears in – choke themselves with those tears, screw their face up, clench their fists, try with every bone in their body to resist that flow… and in part becuase of embarrassment and equally because that pain feels so familiar that letting go of it on some level feels like loosing a part of self - but guess what, it always comes does the go. I am patient and accepting of the fact that I can’t demand this on cue. I used to, I used to really get exhasabated and mainly with myself. See, I used to cry and cry a lot - and back then (in mid-youth) I thought I was ‘weak’ and it was embarrassing to have such an upheaval - but now? Now I actually see I was mega brave, like almighty so (hell yeah!) - because letting go and purging my body of stress – that is a wonderful thing. Even now I cry, and I’ll go full force– I literally flow out because I have known and seen the damage (physically and mentally) flooding in can do, and then what? Well then I laugh – as I remember what one of my wonderful teachers of life taught me ‘go as low as you need to go and then go f**cking lower- the only way is up from there on in’ and that’s why crying (or what ever your flowing out need be) is so awesome – the emotional does effect the physical if you hold it too tightly – science even agrees with me on this one (BIG SMILIE FACE).
So when you come to me, or when you come to yourself – go 100% and worry not about the damage letting go can do – but grab hold of the rope of self and know that on the other side of the flow, out from the storm – always is calm, your dry land. Because what I’ve noted over 11 years of working and in every experience I’ve once had the pleasure of holding hands with – whether it lifts or throws me… both of these are ok, neither right nor wrong - there is a lesson in a smile and without a shadow of doubt there is always one hanging within a tear.