Sometimes, just sometimes I feel utterly ‘useless’ – *CUE HIGH DRAMA* just playing... but seriously though, this is pretty good going actually as more often than not throughout my life I’ve felt perpetually useless. Now it just flows through every now and then and I’ve learnt just to brush fingers with it, say ‘oh hey’ - rather than hold its hand and go for a jolly jaunt with it through Covent Garden.. ruining my every day sight seeing
SO what is useless - it’s a pretty big word isn’t it – loaded with a meaty blow – go on say it out loud I AM USELESS – boom and feel how that vibrates through your psyche – rotters isn’t it? Like you’re picking up an emotional chess piece and lifting it back three places, undoing a REALLY GOOD game you’ve been playing to date…
I know and I have met some INCREDIBLE human beings through every shade of my work and every step of life – but it becomes more apparent just how cloaking that word is… that shame is - when people step into session with me and from then on I started to really much more violently witness it even more in every waking day...
Now not to name names – but I have a friend (yep I have a few actually, go me) – she’s an amazing friend she’s an incredible brain she has a huge heart – and she has everything to show for it, she is eternally grateful, she counts her blessings and she gives and gives and gives and most often than not forgets to give to herself…(sound familiar?) and then every now and then I’ll throw her a compliment (cause I believe that when you see that good in some one, that shine - you say it and you polish it – cause what honest harm can that do, really, we don’t do ENOUGH of that as a collective) and she’ll meet me back, not with a strong thanks but with a ‘yeah but I feel I am an awful mum at the moment’ and physically I see her whole body shake down as the weight of her magic that held her so strong, so up right departs her and her whole everything sinks below the surface.. now let’s be clear she is not an awful mum, far from it – she is an INCREDIBLE MUM – actually she’s just incredible and when I have kids I hope I can achieve all that she achieves, spinning all those plates whilst throwing out all that love and growing a beyond beautiful family… that is her super power…so why does she defame it?
*notes to reader – it’s at this stage I took a ‘small' break from writing this, busying myself with some other non importants - as the talk of being useless led me to slip into an old spiral – which led to a small conversation of mind - in which I deemed that I perhaps wasn’t a good enough knower of the useless and so I perhaps would not do uselessness the justice it deserve – WHAT THE..?! Hands up if you know this similar sort of a pattern beyond the current subject matter? This is a LOL moment isn’t it? Go on then #LOL
BACK TO IT –why we do what we do.. why we brand ourselves so victoriously in pain... see I could pin my own time on the useless wagon right back to school (how the hell was that over 20 years ago..), or to a job, or to a drunken night, to a failed relationship, to my weight to, to the fact I think i have one wonky eye, or to.. well yes to anything… but truth be told, whether we like to admit it or not, we need to locate this bad boy pin right where it grew from, rather than where we have sequentially stuck it and yep that’s right.,. it’s me, it’s you... it’s I! OH HEYYYY!
Now we’ve reconnected... let’s move forward….
‘yeah but..’… ‘yeah but..’ I hear that A LOT... In session mainly – ‘yeah but they..’ or ‘yeah but he/she..’ and as those of you who have blessed me with your presence in my sessions (and thereafter) will know, my response has grown to remain the same and perhaps feels somewhat harsh, but lovingly from me to you…YEAH BUT …NOTHING. The likelihood of the matter is if someone is trying to make you feel anything less than lovely its because of something reflected in them and you honestly have NO time for that.. that’s on them, just like this.. yes, this is on you
You literally are epic as you are… it’s true it is that simple... and it genuinely breaks my heart to see such wonder in every single person (yep there is the good in the bad and the bad in the good) only to realise the illusion of their reality - in that they just don’t know it themselves - and what’s worse they battle me and refuse to see it...But this is the good news… yes, really! Caues this is you, all you, your choice... to show up and embrace your actual shine or to drop it on the floor and to jump all over it and then try and pass it off to someone else to carry.
Now I know we’ve a lot more undoing to do than just that and in some cases more extreme than others for sure – but seeing the source in plain light, admitting the truth that you’ve become addicted to the self-shaming and then gone and played a lifelong game of hide and seek from the true source of the viscous rumour…its liberating, its f*cking painful sure - but it’s all the more uplifting once you recognise that you not only control the pain – you control sending it the sodding hell off… and NO it is not easy and YES once it’s loosened it doesn’t just mean its completely undone – cause were would be the life and learning in that? J We have got to continue throughout life to undo the undoing and consciously and in supporting others to do the same…
So this is why I do what I do... because it is do-able and I’ve done it and I’ve seen 100’s of people over my 11 years of doing this doing break one habit epically only to land onto another much more painfully – but do you know what they get up and they go on and they run and then they run back to it - because you have to accept that we got to keep going, lifting the veil and when we’ve got one up and over, yep that’s right .. there will be another one to lift - and then another and another and that’s life isn’t it…
Cause when you feel physically sick – you go to the doctor, right? – cause feeling off like this is just no good is it?
When you get a piercing and it aggravates - you treat the infection or you remove the ‘jewel’ before your ear falls off, right? because feeling like this is just no good is it?
And so if you feel like you’re just having an existence filled with self-sabotage and a daily dulling of shine – you have to choose to address the cause and live a full life right? Cause feeling like this is just no good…is it?